On A Silver Platter

Reed! Oh, Gunderson. What d’ya got for me this time? I owe you….eternal gratitude for your last job. Service’ll just never quite be the same. I’m retired now.

I know that. Now Reed, I’m not exactly in the position to be asking favors here, but this job just might interest you. I highly doubt it…. but let’s see. Gunderson- what the fudgesicle is that thing you’re drinking all the time? Oh, this? Mineral water.

I got some bladder problems, pee like a racehorse. If we can get our papers in order here…the other members of our society have declined to take part in our little talk today.

I hope you’ll forgive them. The facts of the case are this. Prime Minister Sydney Carson of Australia will be taking a cruise ship to the Americas, in a few days.

You are to enlist with the Australian secret services and win her trust. We’re giving you two weeks.

In the space of those two weeks we expect that she…. be terminated.

Understand? It needs to be done quickly, it needs to be done quietly. This is of utmost importance to the organization. It is of utmost importance to me. I trust you will handle it with the same care you always do.

So Reed, are you in? Yeah, I’m in. All I’ll need is forty. Now Reed, 40 million, you must be out of your mind! It’s a prime minister, what can I say?

Fine. Your old equipment. We thought you might have wanted to have it back. What with all the modifications. I’ll be there.

Yeah, I give people rides sometimes. You know, plainclothesman and all. Your employer called ahead of time, said if you could have a police escort that’d be great. It’s good by me.

Oh, you’re on the phone.

You sure you don’t want to stay around New York? Plenty of things to see, you know? All right. Well then, we’ll be on our way in a few minutes. I’m gonna use the men’s room.

Are you sure we’ve rehearsed this enough, Reed? Yeah, yeah, I know the drill.

Stick to the plan, quickly, quietly. Matte colour! Hello ma’am?

Hello. Agent Remus Reed. I’m a secret agent from the CIA. We just got word that there’s going to be snipers trained on you during your cruise ship extravaganza for the 50th year celebration of your empire in Australia. Jeepers!

Snipers? What do we do? Just do the best you can. I got your back; we got guards surrounding the cruise. That’s cancelled, honey.

We’re going to have it at home…right now! (music swells dramatically) (slurping of tomato audible) (clicks remote) I’d like surveillance for Remus Reed, please.

Thank you. Finally booked that hotel suite! I’ve got a mission for ya! Are you awake?

What’s the news, doc?

Well, I have a mission.

I need you to find out more about these snipers. People think I’m crazy, but you said there are snipers. So, I’m sending you on a mission with another lady. Be prepared.

Thar, she blows! Whoa….

Remus Reed! Fidencia Aquiliana. Are you a volcano? Because you just made my heart explode. Let’s count shoulders.

One, two, three, four. You…want to go on a walk?

Sure. You like- garden gnomes? (upbeat jazz continues) (amidst slight headwind) (water trickles) The one on the left, the girl! Take her out. That clear?

Stupid thing. (yells) Who are you talking to? (belches in a fashion of medium loudness) Nice gun. I have the same one at home (chuckles jovially) Shut up! What are your thoughts on Bernie Sanders?

I think he’s a real dork. You’re not.

I like him. I feel like he brings out the men in men. I think he’s an old shrub.
I think he’s a young shrub. Just like you. (gunshot) Fidneia. Fidneia! She’s dead!
I have to find out who did this. Now, now. Who sent you? Let’s not play this game, Reed.

Who sent you?

If you knew who it was, you would know I’m not going to tell you. ¡Stop! Stop this, Reed! I’ll go to my grave with the secret (spits). I know you too well, Reed.

You’ll kill me before you get the information out. (punches crunchily) Gunderson.

Gunderson’s the man you want. (Julia Child and Jacque Pepin talk inaudibly from the television set (subtitles are provided for your interest) Gunderson. Reed.

Why’d you send a man to kill that lady? I have a question for you, Reed.

Why is the news not in an uproar over the death of a prime minister! Gunderson! I asked you a question, and when I ask questions, I get answers!

Now Reed, you have to understand. She was getting in the way of the mission. I never would have done it if I thought you were that attached! I would have called it off, I swear! Sorry isn’t enough!

Now, now Remus, I’m sure you can be reasonable! Another cash settlement, double your last one, and we can excuse the whole Prime Minister thing! Nothing, nothing! (shouts gutturally) “No mercy!” Reed.

I don’t know why I was scared of you in the first place.

My gracious, I sorely overestimated you. You know that? I could kill you know. Our allies in the society will be tickled blue and brown and bruised all over.

All over this turn of events. I have to bring you on trial before the court. Make sure none of this happened in the past. Wow…. (screams, spittle flying) (saliva makes trickling sound) Just like my great-grandfather always said.

Justice will be served….on a silver platter. (credit music kicks in) Hey, Sydney. What do you want? I was thinking of accepting your invitation to the agency.

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