How to Get What You Want By Letting Go

In Navy SEAL training , there’s something called drowning protection, where they tie your hands behind your back, tie your feet together, and drop you into a nine-foot pool. Your mission is to survive for five minutes. Now, like Navy SEAL training, in general, most people who try to prevent drowning fail at it, but some people do, and they do it because they understand two counterintuitive lessons. The first lesson in drowning protection is paradoxical. The more you struggle to keep your head above the water, the more likely you are to sink and drown.

See, the trick to drowning protection is to allow yourself to drown. You allow yourself to sink to the bottom of the pool and then push yourself from the bottom to get back to the top where you get another breath and repeat the cycle again. So in a weird way, drowning doesn’t require you to have superhuman strength or crazy endurance. In fact, you don’t even have to know how to swim.

On the contrary, protection from drowning actually requires that you know how not to swim.

The second lesson of drowning protection is that the more you panic, the more likely you are to burn oxygen and energy, and the more likely you are to lose consciousness. In a sick and twisted way, exercise turns your survival mechanisms against you. And if you think about it, the skill it takes to resist drowning, the ability to surrender yourself to a higher cause, the ability to relinquish control in the face of death, the ability to let go under the most stressful and enduring circumstances, it makes sense of why this is part of Navy SEAL training. And in this video, I want to argue that this is not only an important skill for Navy personnel. I want to argue that it is an important life skill.

Most people assume that the relationship between effort and reward is one-to-one. We believe that if we work twice as much, we will accomplish twice as much.

We think if we spend twice as much time with someone, they will feel twice as loved. But here’s the thing, most things in life don’t actually exist on a linear curve. In fact, linear curves only exist for mindless repetitive tasks like filling out paperwork, driving a car, or making tools in a factory.

In all of these cases, a person who does this for two hours will likely double the output of someone who does it for one hour. A linear curve does not work for life because most life activities are not simple. They are not rote, repetitive, or mindless. They are actually complex and demanding emotionally or psychologically. You adapt and evolve, and circumstances change, and that’s what makes life so complicated.

Therefore, most activities in life actually exist on something called a curve of diminishing returns. Diminishing returns mean that the more you try something, the less reward you get.

The classic example here is productivity. Working for two hours is likely to be twice as productive as working for one hour. Working for four may be twice as productive as two.

Work for eight people, probably not. Working 16 hours is certainly not twice as productive as working 8 hours. The concept of diminishing returns applies to complex and novel experiences. Think about how many times you shower a day, how many chicken wings you eat for lunch, how many times you have sex a week, and how many countries you’ve visited in your life. Friendships also operate on a diminishing returns curve.

If you only have one friend, having two will likely change your life. If you have two friends, having four or five is probably a little better, but having 10 will probably get annoying. Like I said, sex has diminishing returns, but so does eating, so does drinking, so does partying, so does traveling, so does reading books, hiring employees, scheduling business meetings, studying for an exam, masturbating, and staying up late streaming video. Games. The examples are endless because the amount of complex and new experiences we can have is also endless.

But there’s another curve to the human experience and perhaps one you’ve never seen or thought about before. It’s because I came up with this. Let’s call it the inverted curve. The inverted curve is the strange twilight zone of effort-reward curves where every increasing effort toward an experience actually makes it worse. This is the effort you put into doing something, the more you fail to do it.

Now, this may sound crazy and completely illogical, but I would argue that drowning protection is one of the few activities that exists on an inverted curve. Now, if you sat down and thought really hard, you could probably come up with a few other human activities: meditating, dancing, trying to impress people. But for all intents and purposes, and most things in life, the more you try, the better you get. So what’s the big deal? Well, I would argue that the importance of the inverted curve is when it comes to experiences that only exist in our minds.

Because everything else we experience in life is explained by the experiences we have in our minds, I argue that understanding inverted curves is extremely important. So let’s review really quick. For simple, mindless and repetitive tasks, effort and reward tend to have a linear relationship. The more time you spend in the car, the more mileage you get. For complex, novel experiences that involve social relationships, creativity, and new experiences, the relationship between effort and reward tends to be diminished.

This is a decreasing curve. Then for emotional and psychological experiences that only exist within our minds, this is where the inverted curve begins. The more you pursue happiness, the further you move away from it. The more you try to feel confident, the more you question yourself and feel insecure. The more you want to be loved, the more you distance yourself from the people around you.

The constant desire to be free from constraints is itself a limitation. Aldous Huxley once wrote, “The harder we try with the conscious will to do something, the less we succeed. Efficiency and results come only to those who have learned the paradoxical art of action and inaction, or of combining relaxation with activity.” The basic components of our psychology work this way.

This is because when we consciously desire a certain mental state, we inadvertently create the opposite mental state.

Therefore, by wanting to be happy , we remind ourselves that we are not happy. It is the desire to be confident that we remind ourselves that we are not confident. By wanting to be loved we remind ourselves that we do not feel loved. The inverted curve, in essence, is the inverse law that I describe in the first chapter of “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a.” “Desiring a positive experience is itself a negative experience, and accepting a negative experience is itself a positive experience.” But this extends to most, if not all, of our mental health and relationships. Whether it is our desire to feel more happiness, confidence, control, contentment, security, novelty, all of these things, by wanting to have them, we simply turn away from them. By wanting to stay on the surface of relief, we only cause ourselves to dive deeper into the water. These internal psychological experiences exist on an inverted curve because they are cause and effect of the same thing: the mind. When you desire happiness, your mind is the thing you desire and the thing you want.

When it comes to these lofty and abstract goals, our mind is like a dog who, after successfully chasing and catching all sorts of other things in his life, decides to run his tail and try to catch his own. I mean, why not? Chasing things has worked for everything else in life. Why not work for happiness, confidence or security? But the dog can’t catch its tail.

The more I chased, the more the tail seemed to run away.

This is because the dog lacks the perspective to understand that she and the tail are the same thing. The goal is to take your mind, a wonderful tool that has spent its life chasing many things, and teach it to stop chasing its own tail; To teach her to achieve what she desires by giving up what she desires; To make it clear that the only way to reach the surface is to let himself drown. How do we do that? You do this by giving up control, not because you feel powerless, but because you are strong, because you have decided to let go of things that are beyond your control.

You decide to accept that sometimes people won’t like you but you deal with them anyway; that sometimes you won’t feel confident, but you do the thing anyway; Sometimes you won’t be happy, but you’ll get out of bed anyway. You decide to accept that most of the things you do in your life will lead to failure.

And that’s not only good, but it’s also the only way to get back to the surface to breathe to do it again.

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