Let’s Talk About Dairy

Let’s talk about dairy. Cows produce milk for the same reason as any other mammal; to feed their babies so we need to get the cow pregnant. First, we have to obtain the bull’s semen. We do this by wanking off the bull or shoving an electric dildo up his ass to stimulate the prostate. So, so basically, he’s placed some lubricant on the probe so that as it goes in the rectum it’s not irritating, it’s just to ease the placement of the probe.

Now notice this penis is starting to protrude. What we want to do is always make sure we examine that penis. Then we got to get it into the female but don’t worry we’re not done with the anal play just yet. We fist the cow right up to the shoulders. In, out, in, out.

This helps us loosen the area and hold the cervix in place. Then, we inject the semen into her we call this artificial insemination but, you know, if we did this to a human, we might have to call it something else.

But then again, the cows she*t all over your arms so who’s really got it bad here? Nine months later, a little baby pops out so we yet them into a holding pen. Calves should be left with their mother for at least twelve hours and preferably 24.

I mean, we’re not monsters but at the same time we don’t really want the baby drinking all the profits now, do we? The mother and the baby make loud calls to try to locate each other and can be heard from a mile away. It’s a pain in the ass and it goes on for about a month and some cows refuse to eat. It’s like the cow is too stupid to realise that we’ll be milking it by machine; they don’t need their baby.

Anyway, she’ll be pregnant again within two months.

Male calves don’t produce milk so the lucky ones will be raised for beef and the unlucky ones will be slaughtered almost immediately for cheap veal. Or, you know, actually we might confine them in a facility to become higher priced veal. This process takes five to seven months and we want that sweet,  soft meat so we feed them an iron-poor diet so they become anaemic and unable to move very much. His muscles will atrophy and at a few months old he’ll be slaughtered. You see, the veal industry is the milk industry.

Now that’s how you diversify. The females will be kept in a holding pen and we like to  get bang for our buck so we don’t give them much room to move around.

At less than a week old, there are a few processes that need to take place. We use ear tags for identification or, you know, maybe we’ll just make some notches, or give a tattoo. We also need to disbud the calves.

This is where their horn buds are removed to reduce risk of injury to stockmen. We do this with caustic soda to destroy the cells or, you know, maybe we’ll just go with a hot iron. Some female calves are born with a supernumerary teat which is basically a freak extra nipple. This isn’t too much of a problem, though, because we can just remove it with scissors or a blade. There’s a belief that removing the cow’s tails is more hygienic.

It hasn’t been proven at all, not even once. In fact, it’s been disproven to tell the truth, but we still like to err on the side of caution in a lot of the world. It’s down to our discretion whether we castrate the male calf. So, you just took the base of it off? I just took the bottom of it off.

Pulling that cord, grab the second one, just rip that membrane off of it and pull it down. Just trying to keep it from breaking off. If they’re less than eight days old, we’ll do this by popping an elastic band around the testicles. When the females are eight to nine months old, we need to brand them for identification. We do that with a red hot iron but increasingly we rely on freeze branding.

This puts the iron at -78°C to -196°C. The branding will last 21 seconds to 60 seconds depending on the coolant. But don’t worry, we try to bear in mind the deprecation of the leather when we choose a location for this.

So, your handbags are safe. We feed her a milk replacement formula for six to eight months until she reaches puberty.

If we want her to reach puberty earlier, we’ll just alter her feeding regime so she increases her weight. And then, once she’s fertile, she’ll be impregnated and have the same life as her mother. After her baby is taken away, the cow is hooked up to a milking machine multiple times a day  and she produces a staggering 50lbs of milk. You may even have seen videos of cows wilfully walking themselves to the dairy. This is due to some ingenious selective breeding which means that a full udder is a painful udder.

But some cows don’t want to be milked because it becomes too painful. So, we might have to hobble them. Oh. and did I mention mastitis? Yeah, it’s a b*tch.

The cows are milked so much that 30% of them get mastitis which is an inflammation of the tissue which can get infected, bleed, produce pus- I mean, not pus, I mean somatic cells. As I was saying, cows can live for more than twenty years but we send them to  slaughter after four lactations, usually at about five years old. Depending on the health of the cow or poor fertility,  we might choose to kill them at two or three years old. One by one we put the cows into a stun box. Unfortunately cows don’t like to accept their fate so they try to escape.

I wish they would relax though because adrenaline makes the meat tough,  tasteless, and have a shorter shelf life. We’ll stun them with a captive bolt pistol. A lot of cows are stunned correctly but cow skulls are tough so we may need to repeat the process.

But, you know, if there’s not enough time or we can’t be bothered, that cheeky 5% to 10% get to see what happens next. This is where it all ends.

We hang the cows upside down by a hind leg and slice their necks. Then we just let the blood drain and maybe chop off the cow’s head. It’s a gruesome job but somebody’s gotta do it. Help YouTube promote this video by liking, commenting, sharing, and subscribing. I’ll be talking about the health side of drinking cow’s milk very soon but in the meantime  why don’t you try soy milk, almond milk, coconut milk, rice milk, hemp milk, oat milk, pea milk,  peanut milk, cashew milk, hazelnut milk, spelt milk, pistachio milk, walnut milk, macadamia milk,  flax milk, banana milk, quinoa milk, sesame seed milk, pecan milk, tiger nut milk, avocado milk.

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